He had been following me for years, perhaps a lifetime, just waiting.
I could sense him 24/7, and it was only because of fear that I chose to continue hiding.
But what was I so scared of?
I could see what he was carrying, I could sense it’s intrinsic power, and I knew beyond any fraction of a doubt that it would finally bring me the answers which I was seeking.
But still, I could not face him. It was too much, I knew.
Then, on December 15, 2016, the time would finally come. I wound up having no other choice than to turn back and look this man dead in the eyes. More of a child at that time really, my own soul looked upon me, and with a glistening yet powerful gaze, presented to me this one long-awaited gift — the truth.
I’m not entirely sure why the truth is so scary. Why we resist it so profoundly...
Perhaps it’s because we’re taught to hide from it at a very young age? Perhaps it’s because the truth often disorients the comfort, and the world has made us men entirely to comfortable?
Or maybe, it’s because that within the truth there is a lot of darkness, and we’ve all been subconsciously conditioned into thinking that the darkness is in some way something bad...?
Whatever the reason may be, I had personally assumed this role of fear. I had spent my entire life hiding from myself, simply because the world of which I was a part had advised me that this was best.
The Current "Societal norm" is a Pile of Sh*t
The thing is, the world of which I was a part, the world of which we are all in some way a part of, is completely fucking inverted!
At a very young age I began to feel as though something was wrong, as if there was more confusion in this world than clarity. As I grew older and began seeking answers to this confusion I more often than not was met with criticism, frustration, denial, and even anger. Needless to say, this only compounded my own personal state of confusion. I was a passionately curious young mind and instead of feeling like my inquiry was justified I was made to feel like shit.
"Why are you asking so many questions?! What's wrong with you?!"
Or even worse, "That's just the way it is, because I'm your teacher and I told you so!"
At around the age of 12 I had my first experience with mind altering substances and for the first time in my life I actually stopped caring that the world was so damn broken. It was an escape of monumental proportions that would soon become my modus operandi.
For the following 13 years, from that first taste at 12 years old until almost the age of 26, my inner monologue ran true with one highly detrimental constant, "I have to drink like this, and drug like this... so that I'm dumb enough to fit in."
I can now clearly see it's not that everyone else is dumb, per se, but that confusion begets confusion, and to inquire deeper into this collective state of confusion produces a pretty serious degree of inner turmoil, and pain. It's easier to just "go with the flow" than to question the societal norm, no matter how fucked it may actually be.
A bit about Myself
The irony is that in my opposition to this societal norm I became a part of it. Although my rendition of defiance was quite a bit more extreme than your average, we all in some way shape or form do what we can, perhaps what we must, to escape this reality.
For me, I also found a lot excitement and joy in extreme sports. From snowboarding to rock climbing, white water kayaking, kiteboarding, mt. biking, surfing, you name it. If it could produce some adrenaline and offered even but a moment of escape from this confused mess of a life then I was all about it!
I grew up in the Pacific Northwest of America so spending time in the mountains was easy and plentiful. Although school and work and other monotonous societal expectations were always there, I could get away from it all rather effortlessly. Whether by physically running away from the cities and into the mountains or by simply numbing my mind and conscious awareness through the use of drugs and alcohol. Sometimes both, but always something.
I had a good upbringing, all things considered. My parents cared for me and did their absolute best to ensure I was doing well. I'm not sure they were ready for a child like me, bless their hearts, but then again I'm not sure anyone would have been able to handle the way I chose to go about life. I like to think that my teachers were simply doing their best, and if any of them is currently reading this I hope they know that I understand - that I can feel their pain, and that I empathize with their struggle.
It was a long and tough road for me, up until the age of 26. Funny enough, after choosing sobriety there in late 2016 it didn't get any easier. Actually, that's when things got really fucking tough. Avoiding the pain is one thing. Yes, it produces more pain in the process and generates some kind of perpetual loop of suffering, but this is nothing in comparison to actually facing and feeling that pain. Especially when you've spent an entire lifetime keeping it all bottled up inside. This is the Paradox of Healing, something you'll hear me talk about a lot - but more on that later.
At the time of this writing it's been almost 6 and a half years since that fateful day, and although it's been a rocky, bumpy, and chaotic journey I can confidently tell you that it has all been absolutely worth it! Every single aspect of my life is on a seemingly never ending rise into something I couldn't have even dreamed of!
I'm traveling the world, working remotely, and living in which ever country I choose. My financial situation is dependent upon my efforts and my efforts alone. There is no boss or annoying co-workers anywhere to be heard of. I collaborate with other like minded people who are also passionate about initiating positive change in this world, of course, but I can be as selective as I like in who these individuals actually are and what it is that we are creating together. I still pursue adrenaline based sport regularly but now I do it from a place of enjoyment rather than need. The magnitude of my awareness, both of self and of the world has increased exponentially. The relationships in my life, from lover to business partner, to friends and brothers, are all deeply meaningful and filled with love and appreciation.
Choosing sobriety and to begin actively putting forth the necessary effort to become who I wanted to be, regardless of what the rest of the world had to say about it, has been hands down the best decision I've ever made in my life!
I could go on and on about this, but I also want to get to know you! Have you been struggling with some of the same thoughts or realizations about yourself and the world? Have you figured out a good way to deal with it all? Maybe you're looking for something more out of life, like I was?
Talk to me in the comments below, or if you'd like to just go for it and shoot me a message on WhatsApp. No expectations, no requirements, just two humans having a chat and getting to know each other!
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